Overlapping sounds from an open window on a seething fall morning
(another day above 30 Celsius):
the composting truck rambling heavily on Continue reading
Overlapping sounds from an open window on a seething fall morning
(another day above 30 Celsius):
the composting truck rambling heavily on Continue reading
I hear and read a lot about
our enslavement to technology—
especially to our smart phones.
I call them that without irony in spite of what people say.
There’s a photographer who wanted to
show us how lonely
we’ve become, how alienated from
by having people pose—couples,
families, friends and lovers—
holding invisible phones.
He called his project Removed.
Seeing the cleverness in his black and white photos, people began
sharing them on Facebook, on Twitter,
virtually every which way;
which did seem ironic to me.
I placed my smart phone on the kitchen counter
after work today, while I was preparing supper.
It didn’t take long for its black screen to light up and then
it buzz-buzzed as it vibrated.
It was one of my three sons, messaging in, interested
in the day I had, and wanting me to look
at something he’d written; happy to HAHAHAHAHAHA
and emoji in response to
a funny photo I took of the inside of the dishwasher
(there’s a private story there)
We were conspirators in real time,
he in his apartment and me in my kitchen, and I just know
that we were both smiling in real time, and I thought
how wonderful my small black phone is to bring
my beautiful son right into the kitchen next to me,
and just then, his younger brother, working way up
in the Arctic, at 72° 15’ 00” N / 80° 30’ 00” W,
(which is easily found on your GPS-enabled phone)
began texting me too. Bzzz-buzz-buzz
Thanks to my smart phone, my sons
were no longer at
any remove at all.
August 29th 2017
“Hate will only eat the truth, then spit out a lie.” -Anthony Liccione
There are words that feel like they embody their own meaning. The shape and the sounds of them as they escape the speaker’s mouth carry their emotional charge.
Love, lovely…Beginning as they do with the L right at the front of the mouth, and then the O that opens the mouth—they are like verbal caresses. Like gentle emotional exhalations.
And then there are those whose effect is the reverse. As a lover and teacher of language, I’m sensitive to these. I’ve been struck by the word UGLY, with its built-in exclamation of disgust: Ugh! And struck, too, that in other languages, it’s also without beauty. It’s one of the words I remember easily from my high school Spanish classes: FEO (pronounced fay-o), which has a merciless quality to it. In French class, when I’m introducing my students to the morphology and meaning of adjectives, I find myself pausing at the word for ugly, LAIDE (the feminine form, pronounced just like the English word “led”), or LAID (the masculine form—the D is silent). In each of these languages, there’s no way of saying it without it sounding harsh, judgemental and filled with disdain.
C’est laid! (it’s ugly).
When it comes up, I always ask my students whether it’s a word they use, and if so, how. And the consensus among us, regardless of our mother tongue, is that ugly is a word that is almost never required—and certainly not to describe people. When put on the spot, neither I nor my students ever seem to be able to come up with an example of someone we find so objectionable in appearance that they warrant being called ugly.
And then there’s HATE, with its hissed H. No matter what it sounds like in the languages of the world (does a word for it exist in every language, I wonder?), HATE is terrible, caustic, powerful, and vile when it’s aimed at human targets.
HATE. The roots of the word run deep, and it seems that no definition adequately encompasses the harm it can wreak. “Intense dislike” doesn’t begin to describe what I’ve seen unleashed in the world these past few years. I was a victim of both violence and bullying in childhood and adolescence, but I don’t know that I’ve ever felt hatred toward anyone. Honestly. Hate hurts, no matter which end of it you’re on.
The recent Charlottesville riots brought hate into my life in such pornographic fashion that for days, I felt ill; overwhelmed by a sense of sadness and shame for my race—the human race— and disgusted to be a member of a species that’s capable of emotional and cognitive savagery that is a form of self-immolation (hatred exists nowhere else in nature). It got me thinking about this heinous thing that I was seeing in faces and hearing in voices raging “You will not replace us!” “Jews will not replace us!” “Blood and Soil!” Blood and Soil!” “Whose streets? Ours streets?”. It expressed a desire for the brutish, degenerate shunning of most of the population: a rampant, mob propelled hysterical impulse to hunker down in a diminished world: one which, to me, would look a lot like what’s left in the sink strainer when everything else has flowed down the drain.
It was “Us” vs “Them”.
I know hatred when I see it and hear it, because I feel it. Hatred can be an invisible, cold, calculating and soulless thing, but at the Charlottesville neo-Nazi, fascist, white supremacist marches, its unleashed incarnation was rabid and fanatical. I believe that I saw a willingness, by a group of zealots, to lay waste to everything that harbours “Them”. In other words, a lethal campaign motivated by something dark and ugly (yes, the adjective is definitely appropriate here) and fratricidal.
What must it feel like to be one of those men holding torches and chanting hideous refrains? Do they feel their skin crawling? Do they experience an adrenaline-fuelled release of toxicity: shame, resentment, anger, fear, frustration and self-loathing? Surely it’s painful to be held in the grip of such poisonous thoughts and feelings.
“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.”
― James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time
The close-up shots of some of the marching Haters revealed the monstrousness of hate. The men on camera reminded me of angry baboons and hyenas.
To hate requires that a person summon stores of energy—a negative, aggressive, focused malignancy— and stoke it day after day. How can a person remain in such a corrosive state of being?
“Once you kill all of us, and you’re alone, you’ll die! The hate will die. That hate is what moves you, nothing else! That envy moves you. Nothing else! You’ll die, inevitably. You’re not immortal. You’re not even alive, you’re nothing but moving hate.”
― Ray Bradbury, A Pleasure to Burn: Fahrenheit 451 Stories
We’re not made to live this way. Nor are we made to cut ourselves off from our fellow humans. We’re programmed to feel what others feel and seek connection with them. All of THEM. We’re designed to recognise ourselves in each other. WE and THEY are simply the two sides of US.
I heard it said several times that you can only hate what you once loved. At first it gave me pause, but I’ve since come to believe that it’s nonsense. I prefer to pin my hopes on the belief that you can come to love what —and those—you have hated.
“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.”
― Viktor E. Frankl
There was that ominous prelude yesterday, mid-afternoon, when the storm clouds rolled in, one after the other, angry and thick and imminent.
And then there was a single, explosive crack of thunder that made me jump right up out of my chair, grab my phone and head to the front porch, where I stood, heart thumping, waiting.
I wanted to collect footage of the moisture and the deep green darkness that blanketed our street—enveloped as we always are by the canopy of tall trees—to send to Christian, who presently lives in a place where nature mostly manifests itself as absence.
And then the sky and everything in the moment seemed to stand still, and in the dark of the charcoal clouds, there was a such a hush, a void of sound, and the most ominous stillness I’ve ever felt outside of a cinema. Like nature sucking in her breath.
And then, the first rain sounds: like rice confetti, then like shelling. And the wind picked up, fierce and angry. I also made out the sounds of an airplane taking off from Dorval (what must that have been like?). It seemed to be groaning, labouring to climb up above the electrically charged cloak of storm clouds.
And I shot short bursts of video that would soon travel to Christian, thanks to a Messenger that’s quick as lightning, and immerse him in WEATHER: green, lush, swishing, howling, rumbling, wet and windy.
And then, around 3pm, the power went out, just as I was finishing. It stayed out till some time during the night. And whatever plans I had or Sylvain had for the rest of the day were snuffed out.
Sensing this could be a long outage, we decided to resist opening the fridge for any reason (and them, immediately began craving drinks with ice!). We ended up going out to eat fast food slowly, delaying powerlessness as long as we could, until finally, we headed home. Out came the candles, which I stacked onto TV tables, placed strategically beside the sofa Sylvain occupied and the armchair I’d settled in, and there we remained, with our books and enough light to lose ourselves in them, quietly, till our eyelids got heavy.
Since the month of May, my son Simon has traveled to the Ecuadorian rain forest and back, scouting possible future locations to bring enthusiastic college science students who want to get a feel for the study of biological systems in situ.
Just a few weeks later, his twin, Jeremy, traveled to Istanbul and then to Varna, Bulgaria, with a mission to inspect huge cargo ships for his employer.
And last but not least, off went their younger brother Christian on July 19th to begin a three-month stay in the northern part of Canada’s Baffin Island—a place just slightly less alien than the surface of Mars.
Welcome to the twenty-first century! When it comes to destinations, ecosystems and cultures, it doesn’t get much more diverse than that.
Of course, their lives aren’t always this nomadic, but Simon, who is perhaps the least likely to travel abroad on a regular basis, has already visited the Americas—North and South—Europe and Australia.
There’s nothing of the retro cool or counter-cultural VW Westphalia quaintness to their adventures. It’s just one dimension of what globalisation means to the generation knocking at the door, poised to take over (probably a step behind Gen X) from my generation, known as the baby boom in the West, that’s fast losing its relevance, anchored as it is to past paradigms that have become cement blocks tied to its leaden feet, and unable to keep up.
Their time can’t come soon enough, as far as I’m concerned. The planet is their oyster, in ways that it can never be for most of their elders. The world came to their neighbourhoods and classrooms. It never did for me. When I was in grade school, the most exotic classmate I had was Kamilla Giedroyc, a sweet girl from Hungary (so unusual was she, that decades later, I still remember her name). But as my sons grew up, here in Montreal, French Canadian names no longer dominated class attendance lists: these were filled instead by the names of children arriving from the Caribbean, China, India, Africa, the Middle East and the rest of Asia, Central and South America, Eastern Europe, and Russia and its former republics. The first Omar who appeared in the school yard took a bit of ribbing for his name (the French word, homard, pronounced exactly like Omar, means lobster—the kids couldn’t resist), but within months, there was no such thing as an exotic name to most kids in French language schools.
My sons, even sheltered as they were, here, in the quiet suburbs of a city that can only thrive through immigration, encountered diversity everywhere they went. It’s the best thing that could have happened to them. It peeled away any constricted sense of human identity they might have, and instead nurtured in them the notion that “We” humans speak many tongues, come in many shades, pray to many gods, love in many ways, enjoy myriad food smells, textures, colours and tastes, admire different heroes, have different sporting traditions, have varying world views, spiritual practices, political opinions and ways of defining and connecting to gender identity, family and community.
The diversity of “We” in their childhoods was perhaps the most formative lesson they could have learned, once they had absorbed into every one of their brain cells that love, kindness and acceptance of each other matter above everything else.
This is the way of all Life. It was good that my children were able to sense their place in the giant web of all living things so soon. It was good that they lived some of the richness and complexity of the natural world and human societies as preschoolers. It opened them up to the incontrovertible fact that life in all its manifestations is complex, interconnected, interdependent and diverse.
The word diversity is immensely important to me, but of late, I’ve been forced to come to terms with the fact that diversity must include (and often does) fringe, freakish, ugly, violent, bigoted, hate-filled, twisted people in various states of arrested development. They can’t all be written off as stupid or ignorant. They are simply a concomitant of diversity. Zealotry mixed with sociopathy or psychopathy is especially frightening, and I’m sure that’s in the mix of this photo of Charlottesville, posted by a Facebook friend earlier this week. It’s the stuff that nightmares and history are made of. This diversity of vision and values and ideas is always there: these people were always there…But it’s so much easier when they’re hidden away in the cracks and basements and every other tainted place where they gather.
All of these youngish white men screaming monstrous things and prepared to do so much harm (but I don’t for a minute doubt that there are lots of equally bent and cruel girlfriends and wives—boyfriends seem less likely among this cabal—egging them on): it is soul crushing. It hurts us all.
These past few weeks, my attention has been drawn to these people who appear to be so terrified of diversity, so desperate to reduce their world to an impossibly simple, stark, suffocating, stunted, hateful and exclusionary society that they are prepared to tear nature’s matrix to shreds.
It’s impossible, of course. This is simply not life. It is not nature. We are interconnected, interdependent and interwoven. We are multitudes.: heterogeneous, complex, and diverse.
The veneer of American society was very thin. It didn’t take much to expose what lay beneath it. Maybe it’s good that high wattage lamps are now shining on them, because in nature, the things able to grow in the dark are often the most resilient.
About this painting:
A teacher at Leith School of Art, David Martin is originally from Fife. He has travelled extensively and his art reflects his experiences; he is interested in exploring new and varied environments. In this scene of Istanbul, though Yeni Cami is one of the best-known mosques in the city, he chooses to capture a variety of elements which explore the diversity of the city and the people who live there.
What’s wrong with me?
Inside me, joy, love and sadness share a space so tight they’re all tangled. The way they were yesterday.
I’m a July baby, and my birthday fell on a Saturday this year. I don’t know whether you have specific traditions surrounding yours, but a weekend birthday is different, I think.
On the one hand, it’s probably a little less busy on the social media front, because people are not as close to their phones on a beautiful summer Saturday. But on the other, because it’s the weekend, people are free to be with you, and to make plans without feeling harried.
What happens then is that rather than being spread out over several weekdays—a coffee or drink with a friend on Monday, breakfast with your mum on Wednesday, dinner out en famille on Friday—everything becomes focused on that one day. Your friends and loved ones are free. They’ve had time to conspire. They’ve planned.
I was the very fortunate focus of this embracing attention this year.
When I was a child, my birthday experiences were very different. It was summer vacation for everyone, so I had few birthday parties with balloons, hyper excited neighbourhood friends or classmates, games and cake with super-sweet icing. School was out. It wasn’t easy to reach classmates and usually, we were away on family vacation. Mostly in the Maritimes, but almost always away and sometimes even in the car all that day—traveling.
This year, things began the night before, with a terrific supper at a local bistro and a terrible two-hundred-million-dollar movie at the Cineplex with my son Simon and friend Cindy. We dined, drank wine, and laughed like mad at the movie’s end (shame on you, Luc Besson !).
Yesterday was B-Day. It started off under a GORGEOUS, glittering blue sky (it deserves the uppercase letters: such days have been so infrequent in Montreal this summer), and breakfast in a new pub a few kilometers west of here. Simon picked me up and whisked me away. We were joined by my dearest friend, Louise, who drove all the way from her country house—where her husband was still sound asleep—to be with us.
(You likely already see where this is going. It’s a tale of kind, generous people being their usual, exceptional selves.)
In the afternoon, I was expected at Jeremy’s (Simon’s twin) and Anne’s, to be with them and my grandchildren, Penelope and Graeme, and to be joined not long after by my mum and her partner and finally, by Simon and my sister Danielle.
And that’s when I started to feel an internal wobbliness that makes no sense.
It has to do with the number of times someone said: It’s Grand-maman’s birthday, to my grandchildren, and It’s your birthday! to me. It’s about a pressure building around that, and how I wished I could stand up and send a giant wave their way, filled with all of the love and gratitude and bliss I feel having them in my life: enough so that none of the fanfare would ever be necessary. The being together? Yes, oh yes, most certainly, but not the rest—not the spotlight.
With that spotlight following me, I flounder. I’m not meant for it. The sadness in me floats up with the love and joy. It’s so strange. Opening boxes and boxes of extremely generous and thoughtful gifts with the help of Penelope and Graeme’s paper-ripping skills…It’s all so much. There’s no reciprocation possible.
Then it was dinner at the big table that fits everyone. Burgers, delicious salads (thank you dear Anne), chips, condiments galore, wine and laughter. Penelope and Graeme suddenly becoming a comedy act.
An experience of communion.
And finally, there was Christian, live and in colour, brought to us on my IPhone all the way from Milne Inlet in Northern Baffin Island, three thousand miles away from home for the next three months; due North, in the Canadian Arctic, in the same time zone as us ( ! ); his face the size of my phone’s small screen, missing us, looking, looking, looking and feeling outside of it all, looking for the love on our faces.
And suddenly all of our attention was on the miracle of that phone and the person it was bringing to us. And the phone passed from hand to hand, each of us asking questions in the noisy room where the rest of us chattered as we eavesdropped.
And then it ended up in my hand, and I turned and held it up over my head so that everyone at the big table could catch a glimpse of Christian while he first answered my maternal questions, then told us stories of his first days there, and then just took questions from everyone and made us laugh, and made us feel connected.
As the signal weakened, we all said our goodbyes and see-you-soons. And then it was bath time for the kids, and time to kiss, hug, and say goodbye.
And my wobbliness was gone.
No one tells you this, but a human life, just like the universe that cradles it, is always expanding.
One of the ways we experience this extension first hand is through the social connections we make. My teaching life has accelerated this, and in the past ten years or so, I’ve come to know so many people that I could and want to call friends; people I don’t want to lose…not wanting the flow of time to sweep them away, beyond my reach.
Last week, my student Mira reached out and pulled me into her life.
In late 2016, Mira left Toronto to come live close to her daughter and grandchildren. In our quiet conversations after class, she had mentioned having just found her new place, which she described in such ecstatic, giddy language that it seemed unreal. She said it was beautiful, surrounded by woods and birds; that her new neighbours were wonderful; that they planted flowers and perennials at the foot of the trees for everyone to enjoy; that she had found a haven. That she was immensely grateful and happy.
And then she invited me to dinner. Her home was exactly as she had described. Sitting on her patio that’s enclosed by a screened gazebo, we listened to the sounds of the birds and the breeze and of a piano tuner next door, who arrived not long after me. As he worked, he played. Beautifully. Every note bouncing off the sparkling light of approaching dusk.
Everything about our evening together was enveloping. Despite a long day at work, Mira had put together a bounteous meal that left me speechless (because I was at a loss for words and because my mouth was always full).
I felt like a funambulist in our first hour together, trying to find my way from the interactive dynamics of being Mira’s teacher to being her friend. It’s a subtle thing, because of course in adult education, we’re equals who are simply playing different roles. And yet all my teacherly reflexes were there: asking questions, steering the conversation and adjusting my language (we were speaking English, Mira’s third language after Ukrainian and Russian—French is her newest challenge).
I’ve spoken elsewhere of the pain of letting go of my students at the end of my teaching contracts. The obverse of this requires a different kind of energy and thoughtfulness.
We all know this. We learn it as we move through time, shedding friends and making new ones in grade school and high school; opening our lives to new colleagues as we enter adulthood; merging the social circles of people we love with our own.
This pulsating movement continues for decades. Our neighbours become friends and through our children and all of their involvements, new people enter our lives constantly. There’s always the possibility of friendship and attachment, but there also comes the moment when we realise that it isn’t possible to maintain each connection—that there just isn’t enough emotional energy to go around.
Every time I choose to stay in touch with a former student, I think of this and have to take it into account. I’ve sent and received many enthusiastic Facebook messages to and from former students expressing the wish that we see each other again: “We should have coffee!” “We have to meet!” “Are you free in March?”.
The desire is sincere. There’s only good will. But of course, it can’t always work out, and so I/we settle for whatever time we manage to carve out of our overstuffed lives.
It’s enough, because it has to be. It has meant breakfast with Patty and supper with Karen. It has meant an evening at the pub with Kathryn and my best friend Louise who joined us so that Kathryn could get some serious French conversation practice (there could and should have been so many more such evenings—sigh).
It has meant the unexpected joy of finding emails from Will, then Yan in my Inbox; both engineers, one a British bachelor and the second, a devoted father of three, catching me up about their lives.
One time, it was coffee at Tim Horton’s late in the afternoon with Neshat and Maryam, while their children emitted happy sparks of mischief at the next table. There was phlegmatic Thomas, fresh out of university and a long way from home; elegant and thoughtful Saran, a kindred spirit who has officially joined our Best of the Worst soirées, and there was exuberant, endearing Hatem, whom I met at his five-year-old daughter’s school, where he had joined the French for Parents class I was teaching. Though he was with me for just a few weeks before finding work, he still sends me email updates that are a study in gratitude–he gives thanks for every part of his new life–and an inspiration.
And there’s Facebook, Facebook, Facebook, and its limitless tentacles, for which I’m so grateful.
But Mira isn’t on Facebook. She simply cut through all of the potential barriers to friendship with her extraordinary emotional energy.
Mira’s brilliant: she’s an engineer who specialises in systems, processes, efficiency and ergonomics. One way of understanding her profession is that she has a talent for observing people and their systems and seeing all of the ways these aren’t working properly. She connects people by removing obstacles that hinder functionality and their ability to work well together. Things flow better when she’s around.
Our shared meal in her new condo provided the setting for a long heart-to-heart. In French class, I had witnessed Mira’s brilliance, competence and will, and caught a glimpse of her creativity—she’s a talented painter—but in her new home, where she claims to have found, at last, a space to simply be herself—woman, mother, Baba (grandmother), artist and engineer—she radiates gentleness and incandescent plenitude.
Speaking of her grandfather (Mira was an only child), with her soft voice and Slavic accent, she told me: “When I was small child and sat in his arms, he would stop breathing, he loved me so much. Everyone give me so much love”.
Except that she pronounces it “law-ve”, which sounds even more beautiful.
“The universe is full of doors.”—Frank Herbert, Dune