HOW SHOULD I COUNT TIME NOW?

Part of the THIS IS THE MOMENT series

Begun on October 15th 2019—while waiting for blood tests and my appointment with my oncologist (which both took place) and a CT-Scan, which was postponed to next week because the machine broke down.

Henry, George; Autumn; Paisley Art Institute Collection, held by Paisley Museum and Art Galleries; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/autumn-190155

I’m close to the age when I could have retired from teaching—but I wouldn’t have.

I would have kept at it for many more years, though I would likely have become a little pickier about the contracts I accepted, not wanting to drive around the planet anymore in winter.

That was the story of my life “before-cancer-moving-from-Pointe-Claire-and-separating-from-my-husband”.

I now associate the train with life since “my-cancer-diagnosis-moving-from-Pointe-Claire-and-separating-from-my-husband” and with the hospital and treatment. I sat in the train this morning considering how routine my existence has become and yet…

As I lined up to confirm my registration for blood tests on the 14th floor this morning, I had this thought: What if you had skipped the last 15 months and just suddenly –ZIP!—found yourself standing in line here at the CHUM, feeling exactly as you feel right now?

 I would of course be terrified.

The altered condition of my eyesight, my skin (I’ve had two nosebleeds while sitting here in the first floor eating area, scribbling these notes down and running out of kleenex), my hands, feet, nails…The overall condition of my body would likely cause me to jump, startled, and perhaps shriek. My body–joints, spine, the works—is stiff and sore and rickety and alien. Without the fourteen-month-long, gradual erosion of my wellbeing, surely I would cry out in shock. Howl. And then just probably cry, frightened and uncomprehending.

Meynell, Caroline; Beech Trees; Buckinghamshire County Museum; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/beech-trees-230934

Adaptation is a marvel and an obfuscator.

What human beings can get used to… Maybe that’s limitless. Or maybe it’s like the frog that sits in the gradually warming water until it boils to death.

These past fourteen months of cancer treatment have been a kind of immersive simulation of aging, with its sprouting of aches and pains, its limiting of movement, its incremental losses.

I like to think that aging is a gentler process; that it sneaks up on you slowly, though inevitably, and that for this reason, is less cruel than advanced disease in middle-age.

MacWhirter, John; An Autumn Evening; Wigan Arts and Heritage Service; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/an-autumn-evening-162630

I’ve been observing the oldest among us. I would say “the elderly”, but that expression often comes with a hint of being patronizing. And yet, it’s a lovely word. I have been paying closer attention to our elders of late (nos aînés). Strangers as well as people close to my heart. I’ve felt that we are on the same path, mine shortened by the surprise of a new cancer in my family’s gene pool.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve thought of 80 as the age at which I would consider a person old. No scientific reason. Perhaps the simple fact that when you enter your eighties, you can pretty much figure you have less than 10 years ahead. Several of the people I love the most on this earth are in their eighties now. They’re among the fortunate, because they still have health of mind and body. It’s biomechanics that’s messing with their lives. They ache in places that have just worn out.

I often wonder about their relationship with time. Do they see every day as expansive and open—though their remaining years are numbered—and simply push death into a muted space in their minds?

Knowles, Mike; Rain Clouds Gathering, Autumn; Llyfrgell Genedlaethol Cymru / The National Library of Wales; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/rain-clouds-gathering-autumn-120090

I can’t do it. This has everything to do with the tight time box in which I live. I can’t break out of the two-week cycle of treatment and the disruption and disturbances that drag along behind it. And I don’t dare think about what will happen when the cycles of this clinical trial come to an end. So…

How should I count time now?

– By the number of chemo sessions—24 equalling roughly a year?

– By the number of grey hairs that have appeared on my sons’ heads since this all began?

– By the expansion of my love for my grandchildren—those born and those I hope to see born?

– By the mountains of books I’ve been able to read through all this?

– By the friendships cemented through this ordeal which is NOT a wasteland?

– By the number of seasons that have passed: mindful of the sounds of each, the smells of each, the beauty of each?

– By the people I’ve met online as a result of reaching out blindly?

– By the length of the list of chemotherapy side effects I now live with?

– By the quality of the regrowth of white baby hair that now covers my head?

– By the number of evenings spent in the den with my sons and friends, wrapped in soft blankets and binge-watching shows on streaming channels, and DVDs?

– By the number of Dungeons&Dragons sessions I’ve participated in since my diagnosis?

– By the number of times I’ve stepped out the front door of this house in Hudson, inhaled deeply, and felt the goodness of the air?

–  By the losses of loved ones that have come to pass these last 14 months, each a warning, a wake-up, a reality check?

–  By the number of days’ endings, during which I snuggle into my bed propped up by a sultanic mountain of pillows and read till my eyes can no longer stay open?

– By the recurring meltdowns I’ve experienced—all fight drained out of my mind and body and sadness moving in?

– By my increasing, constant resistance to being trapped inside a small life of two-week cycles?

– By all of the lessons I’ve learned since having the wool peeled away from my eyes?

– By the degree of my transformation into a wizened and hopefully wiser woman?

– By the growing sense of an ending that I am moving toward ?

– By the increasing understanding that pain and love are a two-sided coin: the more I have experienced sadness and anguish, the more I have turned to love and the state of grace it makes possible?

Jaroslav Panuska Death Looking into the Window of One Dying (1900)

 

This IS the moment

Part of the THIS IS THE MOMENT series.

 September 30th 2019

On Friday, September 27th, Greta Thunberg came to Montreal to speak a little, but mostly, to act as a beacon—a shimmering example of what it means to have the courage of one’s convictions.

She, with her diminishing body (at least that’s what appears to be happening to her as her self-sacrifice to the cause of climate change siphons her energy), but growing presence on the world stage, is doing more than it seems possible to ask of any human of the twenty-first century.

She spoke very briefly and shyly before the march began. Her presence was enough: Montrealers were galvanized. Somewhere between 300 000 and 500 000 men, women and children showed up to the “Strike for Climate Change”.

Crowd on Mount Royal, September 27th, 2019

My city was so beautiful that Friday. The turnout: unimaginable.

I had been invited by my good friend Ann to join her and her party at Mount Royal (or Mont Royal). Alas! Though every cell in my body—even the malignant ones !—wanted to be there….

  • To REPRESENT;
  • To add one more person to the crowd;
  • To YELL how critical the imperative to radically transform our way of living on Earth is.

I just couldn’t:

  • Stand for 4 to 6 hours;
  • Risk exposure to pathogens in such an immense crowd;
  • Walk around for hours and hours with no reasonable hope of finding a bathroom (chemo leaves poisons in me that multiply my visits to the toilet as my body’s filters fight like mad to clear it all out).

So, sadly, and instead, I sat for hours in front of my laptop (we don’t have cable) watching  the CBC live feed–as unscripted and as raw as such things get.

It wasn’t what it could have been (for me that is), but I did feel part of that happening. I felt joy. My heart beat faster as I scanned as many faces in the crowd as I could, trying to gauge the energy levels there on the ground, and the benevolence, the generosity of spirit, the commitment of the marchers.

They were THERE, commingling, and I was tucked 60 km away in Hudson, but I received so much from them. I was hope-filled. Maybe Montréalais (and Québécois?) are truly ready for the massive change that MUST begin—the complete paradigm shift we will hopefully survive—still connected and caring about each other and about our home planet.

It’s a maybe I want to put stock in. A few weeks ago, as a bunch of us—all of them friends who were originally Simon’s and Christian’s from work and other parts of their lives, men and women across several generations—played D&D together, one of the men, a dad in his mid-forties, said, regarding the Strike for Climate Change that still lay ahead: “Forget my generation [he’s Gen X], and every other older one. My generation went for the money, just like the rest did. it’s humans under the age of forty who have to take the reins and change the world.”

 I think that intuitively, we all felt the truth of his words—the “You can’t teach and old dog new tricks” fatalism. But why accept that view?

The week following Montreal’s Greta-inspired strike, a La Presse columnist wrote a piece about the energizing effect of the event and the high so many were coasting on in its aftermath. And then he doused his readers with cold water. With the next federal election just a few weeks away, despite the regular sounding of the climate change alarm and the hundreds of thousands who marched with Greta in Montreal, according to the most recent poll, climate change is the number one issue for only 21% of Quebecers, whose top concern is taxes and the economy: the deciding factor for 36% of Quebec voters. Of no comfort at all is the fact that in the rest of Canada, 43% consider taxes and the economy most important.

Allen, Tim; In the Future; Arts Council Collection; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/in-the-future-63049

Despite the negative effects of chemo on my eyesight, this rapprochement with death that I’m learning to accept as I live with advanced cancer has given me a different sort of clarity. When you live outside of the daily presence of death and dying, it’s so easy to cozy up to the illusion of a slippery, sliding timeline; to think of the future as something always there…undefined but lying waiting for you…And what gets lost is the urgency to live fully, which requires that you care about every moment.

How Greta Thunberg came to live with that sense of urgency is a mystery to me, though I suspect that there are far more humans like her than we might think—people who want to live long and full lives but who take not one day of it for granted. Such mindfulness can be a burden. It makes of some of us canaries in a coal mine.

On September 27th, I felt love for Montrealers and gratitude towards Greta Thunberg.

https://montreal.ctvnews.ca/video?clipId=1791612

If you accept, as I very much do, that our beliefs, thoughts and intentions affect the physical world, then you may have experienced Friday’s march as a noetic event. A moment of elevation.

The people I know who were there on the streets, united in this single cause, felt it. All of them. Ann and her group. Cate and her gang. Anne-Marie and her companions…

Montrealers came together and lifted their faces to the sun, the blue and the clouds, and were passionate and impatient and sincere in their worry, and jubilant, offering their prayers for a future for all. It was a marvel to witness.

Montréal, je t’aime.

 I’m always at risk of having hope, lightness of being and belief in the future trampled by my cancer and its effects.

Taylor, Sarah; Still, Self, Life 3; Southampton Solent University; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/still-self-life-3-17311

Greta and my beloved Montrealers have helped redirect my energy. OURS is a fight worth engaging in. A future for everyone. The collective joy of being alive and filled with shared purpose.

This IS the moment.

Gunn, Chloe; Contemplating the Future; Imperial Health Charity Art Collection; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/contemplating-the-future-251238

 

THAT SMALL STIFLING PLACE

Fire Tree,

Part of the THIS IS THE MOMENT series.

A month ago, at a time which roughly coincided with the beginning of my second year in this clinical trial and the repetitive sameness of the life it has reshaped for me, something unexpected happened.

It was Monday morning, the chemo week Monday when I head into the CHUM to have my pre-chemo blood tests done, and to see my research nurse and one of the oncologists from the team who treat my cancer. Every part of this day is so familiar that it has become routine—from the moment I hop on the train at Ste-Anne-de-Bellevue to the moment I get out of the metro and follow the short tunnel that leads directly underground to the first floor of the CHUM.

I often stop at the small café there and grab a decaf coffee before heading toward the elevator that takes me to the 14th floor. Once there, I immediately register my presence by swiping my medicare card under a scanner which then issues me a small white paper on which is written a number—something like PL025 (PL for prélèvement, or blood test). My nurse and doctors are also immediately notified of my arrival. It’s a routine I’ve performed dozens of times since I first began treatment. But four Mondays ago, nothing went to plan. The moment I stepped off the metro and started my walk, something wavered inside me. My autopilot shut down and with no warning at all, my eyes filled with tears and there was such pressure in my throat that I could barely swallow.

I was coming undone. Having some sort of quiet but perfectly visible meltdown. I continued walking down the hallway, past the angelic guard who greets every single passerby with a smile and words of wisdom, taking deep breaths and waiting for this destabilizing malaise to subside, but a wobbly inner voice repeated only Oh-oh, you won’t be able to get it together—you won’t be able to stop crying…, drowning out the part of my brain where my wits were being overridden and which shouted: “What the hell’s going on? You’ve never felt this way before. You LIKE the CHUM. It’s Monday, the EASY day. Get a grip!

 But then came that vacillating, gushy need to cry again…

God. Well, this was a new low. I entered the elevator with shiny red eyes and the sniffles. Once on the 14th floor, I scanned my card while snot clogged my nose and throat. You know this feeling if you’ve ever had a good sob. Your pulse is elevated, you feel unsteady. Your breathing is shallow and rapid. You tremble. It’s completely embodied.

When my nurse, Chantal, arrived to greet me and asked how I was, I blubbered, like a baby, a rambling apologetic explanation that contained a lot of sorrys (or in this case, Désolée, Excusez-moi), rattling on about not being sure exactly why this was happening, although I did have similar experiences at home; that it didn’t even mean that I was sad, that it was just my wonky filters…

Chantal, who is the most serene human being on the planet, smiled gently, then hugged me and reassured me that I wasn’t the first patient to have emotions like this, and that she would be back once I’d had blood drawn, and we’d do my weigh-in + vital signs before seeing the doctor. Business as usual, was her message.

illustration by Jon Han, New York Times, June 25th 2016

 And so I sat and waited with sorrowful pink eyes and Kleenex in my hands, feeling mortified. I was on the cancer floor—Cancérologie—and I was such a depressing sight! What must the rows and rows of fellow waiting patients be thinking as I sat or walked here and there. Her treatment must be going poorly, or She must have recently received a brutal diagnosis or bad news…

And STILL, my chin was quivering, my mouth was dry, my breathing was shallow and my eyes, determined to remain fountains. When I was finally called in to see the oncologist, it wasn’t my primary physician, Dr. Aubin; it was Dr. Loungnarath, a lanky, curly-haired, imperturbable, youngish gastro-intestinal surgeon in oncology, who greeted me.  And of course, the minute he asked: “Comment allez-vous?”, I started blubbering again, as Chantal watched, still smiling at me with compassion.

Dr. Loungnarath looked at me, and said (in French): “Well then, we’re going to give you an extra week off.” To which I responded a shaky “Thank you, I think maybe I’m a little weary (sniff-sniff).”

(Surely there are more dignified ways to get an extra week off from chemo.)

* * * *

I was back in chemo last Wednesday, smiling, and my composure regained. My veteran patient’s game face back on. But this time I carried with me a slight fear, or perhaps more of a doubt that I can count on myself.

What happened three weeks ago?

What short-circuited all of my defenses and let the floodwaters loose? (and what were those waters all about?)

I sat down and made a list of possible suspects, of possible triggers. It includes:

How small my life feels at times.

How circumscribed my days are.

How similar the weeks are: one on/ one off.

How small is the loop I live in.

How altered the future appears.

How I feel from day to day—the limitations of my body going through chemo

The limitations of my body in illness.

I suppose that what this amounts to is fatigue and a deep, bone weariness, that I’m mostly conscious of when it reaches a tipping point.

And this is how and when I slip into self-pity.

In her memoir Gather Together in my Name, Maya Angelou wrote that : “Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.”

Have I allowed myself to snuggle up with such a nasty emotion? It just may be. And if so, then I can say that self-pity is a small, stifling place that I don’t want to go back to.

Since then, so many things have washed over me. One of them was a simple conversation with Simon one evening in the den, where we were watching Netflix together. It was perhaps one of the more melancholy and intense shows, and we started to talk about sadness, and how people deal with the pieces that are missing from their lives. Simon always has a broad perspective, and as we chatted, he mentioned that human beings are programmed to fixate on the negative aspects of their lives—on the missing or broken pieces; and he said that if you tell someone 25 positive things about them, and 1 negative thing, that they will almost surely fixate on that one negative thing…That we are made that way, And so he said: I try to not allow my mind to go there—to those places of dissatisfaction and unhappiness. I try not to let my thoughts wander there. And I say to myself: you are one of the luckiest people in the world. You are one of the luckiest people in the world.

 And I smiled. Because I remembered an exercise I used to have my students do in French classes, It was a questionnaire designed around select statistics and the world population. Things like: How many people in the world earn less than $5 a day? How many people earn less than $10? $2? What percentage of the world population has a university education?…

And of course, the survey revealed two things: the first was that, by and large, most people have shelter, access to potable water and access to the internet via cell phones; the second was that everyone in the classroom, because they are living in Montreal, is likely to find themselves among the top 10-15% of the world population in anything that’s related to affluence and abundance, and a social safety net, and standard of living.

I remember how the first time I put a group through this (I had them guess at the numbers in teams—they chatted away like mad), all I felt was indecently fortunate.

And so, Simon’s exhortation to focus on our common great, good fortune; and on the plenitude that is ours; and on the love, friendship and family; and to make gratitude a habit…

Well…it sure beats self-pity.

As a matter of fact, at a time when we are actually speaking in urgent and terrifying terms of apocalyptic climate change and mass species extinction, my self-pity is indecent, and I am a sorry-assed human.

If my tone slides back toward that small, stifling place, tell me to shape up.

Lakey, Andrew; Angel of Hope; RNIB College Loughborough; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/angel-of-hope-80857

 

WE BUILT A CATHEDRAL

Part of the THIS IS THE MOMENT series.

We Built a Cathedral –A poem by Michelle Payette-Daoust

 

Thoughts about the marriage I have let go of

and words to the husband who, like me, continues to move on…

 I look at my hands,

thinner and made darker and damaged by chemo:

These are not the hands you knew.

I look at my body, frailer,

and hiding just beneath the skin of my upper right chest, a port for chemo:

This is not the body you knew.

I  look at my life, now lived in this country town,

in this new house in which I feel no ghosts, no memories, no shadows and no sadness:

This is not the home we knew.

 

On a clear and cool September day in 1980, I said—

filled with tender love and hopes for the life that awaited us—

I will love you always, till death parts us.

 

These vows,

taken and uttered with such purity of heart,

have not weathered time and storms and exhaustion.

 

We built a cathedral that we cannot live in together

—our family—our magnificent sons and grandchildren;

yet it stands, solid, sacred and majestic. It inspires many.

 

I am sick. My time may be short.

Here is my life. It did, and didn’t, go to plan.

In most ways though, it chimes. It rings. It peals. It tolls as loudly as it ever did.

It resonates in me and through me, transcending the birds.

 

Allen, Kathleen; The Last Bus; Leamington Spa Art Gallery & Museum; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/the-last-bus-54609

MY CAREFULLY CONSTRUCTED SELF

PART OF THE THIS IS THE MOMENT SERIES.

August 19th, 2019

I’m alone this morning. Christian now lives with Vickie, at her place in Verdun, and Simon is easing his way back to work at John Abbott College. That leaves me here, in a quiet house for a few days at least.

The sky is backlit that strange yellowy tint that is a harbinger of thunder showers. The smoke tree across the street looks like it’s glowing.

The smoke tree

I awoke at 3:30 this morning. It happens sometimes, usually when I’ve gone to bed early. It isn’t a problem unless it’s on one of the nights before I have to go to the CHUM. Then it can make me a bit anxious and worried that for some inexplicable reason I’ll sleep in and miss my train. Like tomorrow, when I have a CT-Scan scheduled, or something added to my usual alternating weeks of “peace and normalcy” vs “chemo” (which requires me to be at the CHUM two days, and then head to the clinic in Rigaud—a 15 minute drive from here—on the Friday, to be unplugged from my Fluorouracil (5 FU) infuser).

It’s become quite a grind.

When I woke up this morning, in the predawn hours, my thoughts went—as they’ve been doing for a few weeks now—to the reality that this Thursday, August 22nd, which is Christian’s 28th birthday, will also mark the 1st anniversary of my bi-weekly chemotherapy treatments. It’s a jarring juxtaposition to say the least, but it’s certainly easy to remember and, come to think of it, the fact that it will always evoke my lovely Christian is gentling.

Our human minds are set for patterns and cycles and chronologies, which are useful for making sense of the life teeming around us. We understand the need to become accustomed to beginnings and ends. And change. And the evolution and devolution of things (well, most of us do). And that’s why, inside my head, there’s an invisible wall with chalk marks like those the Count of Monte Cristo scratched out in the Château d’If.

Those marks, that counting of days, is of course one of the devices that helps me cope with my stage 4 cancer and its treatment. I was put on this uncompromising, hopeful, difficult, medicalized path last year. As you know, there was real serendipity involved in my being chosen for this research protocol/clinical trial.

I’m not sure what the tone of this missive to you will end up being. I’m not feeling sad. But I’m feeling one year wiser. There are so many things I know now that I didn’t then, despite watching both my parents and so many others go through cancer treatment.

That’s because there’s the visible journey, and there’s the inner journey.

How strange! As I sat writing these last sentences, a Mary Gaitskill quote from my We Croak feed just pinged on my phone. It states:

To be human is finally to be a loser, for we are fated to lose our carefully constructed sense of self, our physical strength, our health, our precious dignity, and finally our lives. A refusal to tolerate this reality is a refusal to tolerate life, and art based on the empowering message and positive image is just such a refusal.”

Farquharson, Joseph; When the West with Evening Glows; Manchester Art Gallery; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/when-the-west-with-evening-glows-204968

It’s a strange coincidence that places before my eyes a (partial) reformulation of what I’m trying to get at, just as I’m struggling to do it, and at the same time, brands me with weakness as a writer if I tip toward a positive message…

Well, Mary Gaitskill and I are looking through a similar lens this morning, though our predispositions and perspectives differ.

If I understand her correctly, Mary Gaitskill is saying that death is ever present; that to be alive is to live with the daily encroachment of the finality of death, in the form of constant, incremental loss.

Of course that’s true, but also, not the whole story.

During this past year, I’ve clung to the gift of a clinical drug trial because it WAS a gift. It lifted me out of utter hopelessness and the terrible, threatening inevitability of the painful progression of my disease. It helped me to see and feel something other than fear and grief. It offered reprieve. It lifted my eyes to a new horizon: much shorter,  and somehow hazy and impossible to visualize—or maybe that’s only because in all likelihood, it’s just another, less frightening path to an earlier death than I had imagined for my life. It sprinkled all of it with the tiniest amount of irrational hope—of the kind that allows a thin voice inside my head to whisper every now and then: Maybe you’ll win the cancer lottery and your tumours will just disappear or halt in their tracks.

I usually walk myself back from those thoughts, because though they’re necessary, they can also steer me too far from the here and now.

And that’s what this anniversary is really about. Negotiating the here and now. Every second of every day. Because I am aware of each passing second, or at least, more aware than most people, though I DO escape the tick-tock now and then and it is salutary (Mary Gaitskill be damned).

I  wake up in the morning with my eyes glued shut by a gel that does what my tear ducts can no longer do. I remove the gloves that cover my hands upon which I slather a balm every night, to slow down the deterioration of my skin and nails. I observe the latter, which look like they may be headed towards disappearing altogether, as my cuticles encroach on the nails, which are frail and sickly and cracked and beginning to separate from the nail bed, producing a u-shaped white area on the top part of each finger nail. I often wake up stiff and sore and stumble to the washroom like an octogenarian with bad hips and feet. I take two pills in the morning and then wait 30 minutes before I can have a cup of tea (otherwise I can get heartburn). Everything I do in the kitchen, from starting the coffee maker to buttering toast hurts my hands. My nose is coated with a thick layer of hardened snot because my mucus membranes are working overtime to protect my sinuses from the fate my hands and feet are succumbing to. When the snot fails, I have nosebleeds (which can be triggered simply by standing up). My feet, ankles and lower shins are weirdly painful, stiff and numb at the same time.  The inside of my mouth is red and hypersensitive (most of these issues are caused by the damage done by chemo to my epithelial cells).  Although my eyelashes have grown back (though they’re thinner), I no longer wear mascara because I have to put drops in my eyes every two hours or else they burn and I can’t open them in sunlight and my vision  gets wonky (again, epithelial issues—my corneas, in this case). No need to add mascara stains to that sexy mess. Last week, I was sick a whole day simply because my gut can’t handle food that has been in the fridge more than a few days (though everyone else enjoyed the chocolate sauce on their ice cream with no repercussions. Sigh). If I drink even an ounce of wine or beer, my hands burn (I still do, a wee bit, every now and then). My new shock of white hair is so soft it feels like petting a bunny rabbit. Last week, while with my grandchildren, I was on my knees assembling two one-hundred-piece puzzles and playing a round of Mouse Trap. Three days later, I noticed a very dark thick scab on the edge of my right knee. Confounded, I showed it to Simon who said: “You did that while kneeling down when you were playing with Penelope and Graeme!”. I’m not sure if I’m more upset that I didn’t even register the sore, or that it happened that way in the first place.

There’s more stuff like this. There’s the time spent going back and forth to the CHUM and to the pharmacy. There’s never knowing which days I’ll have lots of energy and which days I’ll feel frightened by my fragility.

It’s no longer possible to say mind-over-matter and push my body to work and go, go, go! Dinner out may or may not be pleasant; easily digesting it can be hit and miss. Just plain keeping up with the world is a gargantuan task for me. This is the cost of treating my cancer.

I cannot see the far horizon, or if I do, I am no longer in the frame. My children and their children are, though, and that gives meaning—profound meaning—to my here and now.

Gill, Madge; Patterns*; London Borough of Newham; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/patterns-249289

I had a difficult phone conversation today with someone very close to me. It required me, at the very end, to speak emotional truth that I knew the other person was not prepared to receive. It was very upsetting, stirring up old wounds, old traumas. But what has struck me since is that the pain of that conversation also traced a path directly to truth and to the cost of love.

This is the framework of my inner journey. What it feels like in here. Some days it’s tunnel-like, sometimes dark and cavernous. Other days, it’s like being lit up by fireflies at night. I feel electric and consciously alive in a way I had never previously experienced. That light is what life and love feel like. They illuminate our way. To the end.

Shackleton, Keith; Albatross Escort; Nature in Art; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/albatross-escort-62610

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE NEW NORMAL

Part of the THIS IS THE MOMENT series

August 6th, 2019

I was told last week about someone (to whom I have no direct tie) who has recently received a diagnosis of lung cancer. Those last two words usually make my heart drop, but she was told that her cancer appears to be localized—that it doesn’t seem to have spread. What good luck wrapped up in her misfortune! She was put on a protocol of chemotherapy that requires only that she take a pill a day, at home, for the rest of her life.

To me, this is the stuff that science-fiction is made of. My understanding is that she was told that her treatment should be sufficient to allow her to live for a long time. This seems like magic. May her medical team be correct!

Shackleton, William; Wings of Silence; Leamington Spa Art Gallery & Museum; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/wings-of-silence-54462

But then the person telling me this story said that she was having a terrible time. That the daily pill was making her sick, causing nausea and diarrhea. That she was depressed. Scared. Not managing. That she had said to one of her two children: This is the new normal, and I don’t know if I can bear it (or something very close to that).

The trusted person sharing this news with me wanted to know if I had any ideas about how to help her, because, though she lives here, in Montreal, her two grown daughters live out of province—one, thousands of miles away—and this mother of two is also divorced. She is alone a lot of the time, when she’s not at work.

The new normal. Three words that say so much. Three words that every human being who has received any kind of devastating news about their health (or, I would argue, about the health of a precious loved one) learns are both literally true and dismally euphemistic.

What this woman is trying to describe IS different than great upheavals such as being forced to move away from a place one considers home; or traumatic events such as a car accident, or the loss of a job…All of which can require tremendous adjustments and adaptation and cause immeasurable stress. But all of which leave their victims with a sense of still undefined horizons.

But this woman, this cancer patient, is referring to the feeling of having her existence hijacked overnight and waking up to a life in which she must face death every day. She’s lost sight of the horizon. Her goal is stark: to survive. The means to achieve it: to swallow every 24 hours a modern poison so strong, even death shuns it…at least for a while.

Osborne, Jeannine; Cage; University of Dundee Fine Art Collections; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/cage-91199

1 pill/day = life. This is the equation. These are the terms of survival.

If this is the new normal, then I don’t know if I can bear it.

Ross, William A.; Segregation Cell; Galleries of Justice; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/segregation-cell-46307

Of course, at first, upon hearing about her, as far as I was concerned, she’d won the cancer lottery: one pill a day, minimal hospital visits. But the truth is, every time she takes that pill, she thinks of cancer and of death. And, it seems, every time she takes a pill, it makes her feel sick. I imagine, too, that it makes her feel vulnerable, and frightened, and alienated from her own body. And that her sense of the future has begun melting away, leaving in front of her a sparse, barren-looking landscape.

In this way, she reminds me of another cancer patient, a beautiful New Zealander who has lived most of her adult life in Sweden, and who began writing to me when she stumbled upon THIS IS THE MOMENT online. She reached out to me—she chose to make contact. And all I think she really wanted from this, at first, was to hold a virtual hand. To feel less alone but also, to feel kinship. She was so brave to do this. She wrote (and her words have stayed with me—they’re part of me now): “I still don’t know how not to be afraid”. I believe that I loved her from that moment.

I want to tell the woman struggling with the abnormality of her new normal that one branch of medicine that oncology has made huge progress in is the management of side effects, and that there’s no reason for her to be feeling so sick all the time—and that she needs to insist upon finding a specialist who can help her manage these debilitating symptoms of poisoning (and not to discount the therapeutic effects of medical marijuana).

I was told that she is someone who has always taken care of everyone around her. I want to tell her that her new normal will have to include arrows of caring and helping that come from the outside and work their way towards her. That she has to love herself better.

And then, I want her to find a way to plant a garden. It can be filled with plants, flowers and trees. It can be filled with friends, neighbours and family members. It can be filled with acquaintances newly made through activities in her community. It can be vital energy that grows in her workplace and helps her to feel useful and…”normal”. But she needs to grow her life till the daily pill is an afterthought.

It isn’t time to dig a hole and shrink within it.

Ward, Martin Theodore; Two Fox Terriers in a Landscape; York Museums Trust; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/two-fox-terriers-in-a-landscape-8174

I’m fortunate. I have people to drag me out of that hole—one that even writing can open up around me. They bring me to my grandchildren, friends, family and they bring the latter to me—and I try to remind myself, afterwards, of the tingling feeling of human connection and love that I surfed on for hours and days afterwards—and remember, too, not to give in to reflex behaviours.

McLean, John; Catalan Blue; University of St Andrews; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/catalan-blue-125588

 

 

 

HUMAN BINDWEED

Part of the THIS IS THE MOMENT series.

July 21st, 2019

The office

This is the first post that I produce from the office in our house.

It took a full year of living here before I was able to muster the energy (mostly psychological I think) to clear the space—which had become the dumping ground for all of those I’m-still-not-sure-where-to-put-that-yet-so-let’s-stick-it-in-the-office objects—and make it a working, appealing place to write and spend hours of time (I’m so sorry Christian).

Well, it’s done.

Just in time. Ha! Tomorrow is my birthday. July 22nd. I’ll be 61 years old.

A decade ago, you would have mentioned that tomorrow I’d be 51, and I would have been as non-plussed as if you had told me that I would still have a nose or toes the next morning.

But this year, I’m finding the experience of my birthday peculiar. There’s the very obvious fact of my still being alive. Which is everything.

And maybe that’s it. Jeremy and Anne and the kids had us (a big chunk of the family) over for a birthday party for me last Saturday, the 13th, because this weekend, they knew they would be celebrating Anne’s parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. FIFTIETH!

Later today, we’re headed to my mum’s for a second birthday supper (she was at last week’s too), minus Jeremy’s gang. Finally, tomorrow after driving to see my grandchildren at their swimming lessons (yippee!), Simon and I will have some lunch and then go see a movie (Spiderman), because, well, it will be the actual day of my birthday, so more has to be done!

I was so happy last week at Jeremy’s, but also trying to find my bearings. And that same discomfort is making itself felt in anticipation of this afternoon’s program. I love all of the people who have sent me their wishes, who have invited me to their home, who have told me through cards and constant thoughts and actions that I am loved. Tomorrow, I anticipate lots of Facebook messages…

And yet, what I wish is that it all be wrapped up in one dense and compressed two-minute bundle of time. And be over with.

Turning 61 isn’t a shock to me—no matter the progress of my disease (there is NO progress at this time, as a matter of fact, and I can only be grateful every day and hope that this continues to be true for a very long while)—I did figure that I would be here this year. Everything ahead…that’s a different story. It’s all fiction, till it isn’t. That’s my narrative now, and maybe it should always have been so.

Bindweed

But this year, fêting July 22nd  feels excessive. Enough about me! It feels like for the past twelve months, from the moment of my diagnosis, too much of every day has been about me. I’m human bindweed; I have invaded the lives of everyone I love, messing up their schedules, clogging their plans and adding a heaviness to their lives…

I have been made invasive by this incursive disease called cancer. It isn’t my intention to leach into other people’s lives, but it is my effect. And the people I love, they’ve been so…not just tolerant, but gracious! Kind. Reliable beyond the call of duty. Joyful. Helpful. Indefatigable. Good natured. Sensitive. Compassionate. Perceptive. Irreplaceable. Constant.

Maple sapling

The best thing I could have done this July was give them all a break! But,  observing our garden, Simon and I are learning all about the persistence of weeds, and how they cling to other plants and to the soil—in order to live.

I would prefer to be one of the maple saplings sprouting up in the part of our property that we’ve decided to leave fallow, and that Simon and I are rooting for, imagining a future, maybe a decade or two away, when the tiny saplings will have become lush and beautiful trees that blush every fall.

The most I can do, now, is hope to watch the saplings grow, unencumbered by weeds.

Fallow land